Ah, CCE, I take a different view on the concept of being difficult to love. I do think it is that. Maybe it's just that I meet men with a romantic ideal that I almost but not quite fit into. Or maybe my extremely polar sides draw men into a love/hate relationship with me. I consider myself very easy to live with, because I'm endlessly adaptable. But there's a very large core part of me which is unconquerable, regardless of how I adapt on the outside, and that's frustrated many men, not just X2B.
I've also been thinking about your assertion that I'm lacking in the self-respect department. This may be, because in part I've spent years listening to opinions about myself which I didn't share but didn't argue against. Yet I'm not sure that that's what is lacking. What you read is not self-flagellation, just a yearning for someone who appreciates the same characteristics in me which I appreciate in myself. I admire Madonna and Mae West and Ciciolini (I can't spell her name, the Italian porn star senator) and all the women who have tried to change the world's tendency to pigeonhole women. I have not yet found the courage to marry my two sides for all to see, only for the people I really let get to know me. But I have no intention of changing myself. I merely recognize that until the world, or at least my corner of it, changes, there is a game to be played and society's rules to live by. Although I keep trying to push the edges of those rules, and I do tend to second-guess myself when I do that.
I think I have self-respect without losing the ability to look at myself independently and work on areas I think need revision. I am young with big titties and although I've seen and learned many things, I have so much more to see and learn and process.
All of this is the major reason that I am leaving my husband instead of staying and compromising. I have too much self-respect to do that. It's a hell of a thing to destroy your own family for your own selfishness and happiness, but I'm assuming the responsibility.
There's probably more I could say about this but I see I've spent nearly an hour mulling it over already, so I will just hit the publish button for now.
I've also been thinking about your assertion that I'm lacking in the self-respect department. This may be, because in part I've spent years listening to opinions about myself which I didn't share but didn't argue against. Yet I'm not sure that that's what is lacking. What you read is not self-flagellation, just a yearning for someone who appreciates the same characteristics in me which I appreciate in myself. I admire Madonna and Mae West and Ciciolini (I can't spell her name, the Italian porn star senator) and all the women who have tried to change the world's tendency to pigeonhole women. I have not yet found the courage to marry my two sides for all to see, only for the people I really let get to know me. But I have no intention of changing myself. I merely recognize that until the world, or at least my corner of it, changes, there is a game to be played and society's rules to live by. Although I keep trying to push the edges of those rules, and I do tend to second-guess myself when I do that.
I think I have self-respect without losing the ability to look at myself independently and work on areas I think need revision. I am young with big titties and although I've seen and learned many things, I have so much more to see and learn and process.
All of this is the major reason that I am leaving my husband instead of staying and compromising. I have too much self-respect to do that. It's a hell of a thing to destroy your own family for your own selfishness and happiness, but I'm assuming the responsibility.
There's probably more I could say about this but I see I've spent nearly an hour mulling it over already, so I will just hit the publish button for now.
posted by midfreds at 2:46 AM
